Would you save Boycott ?
Yorkshiremen are known for their devotion to cricket. In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and Geoff Boycott were in a house that was on fire, who would you save?' 'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.
Brian LaraDrav is a hell of a nice guy but a terrible bragger and the other week, he was sucking on a beer in the Bat n ball, regaling the team with his latest story. 'It's amazing,' he said. 'There I was at Lord's, when suddenly about fifty people crowded round me all waving autograph books!' 'Come off it, Drav, we all replied.' 'It's true. If you don't believe me ask Brian Lara, he was standing right next to me!'
Colin Cowdrey
When Guy was trying to join the side, 'Meredydd, the captain asked him "Have you any playing experience?' . 'I should say so. I once played with Colin Cowdrey!' said Guy. "Really?" "That's right". He continued. "After the game he told me who he was. He said: 'If you're a batsman, I'm Colin Cowdrey'!'
LBW !
One Sunday, As Richie passed the man in the white coat, he said, "That was never LBW - you need glasses." And the man in the white coat replied, "so do you mate, I'm selling ice-cream."
Giving Birth
Andy Robbo was expecting the birth of his 2nd child. He rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on but due to his nerves he mistakenly dialled the number for Lord's. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck!
Cricket Explanations
A couple of our players were talking. 'So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?' 'I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there.'
Keeping Wicket
The captain, Meredydd was looking for new blood for the side. "O.K.," he said to one new member, "What are you like at wicket-keeping?" "Passable," said the applicant. "That's no good," said Meredydd, "we've already got one like that. We want one that's impassable!"
Bowling
In school, the sports master and English teacher asked one of his brighter pupils to spell "bowling". Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said he, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."
Dennis Lillee & Jeff Thompson (true story)
Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson were a fearsome combination, both on and off the green. An interviewer once said to Lillee, "Tell me, Dennis, what would you do if you discovered you had only 30 minutes to live?" Dennis said: "I'd make love to the first thing that moved." "And what would you do Mr Thomson?" and Thommo said, "I wouldn't move for half an hour."
| Glen
McGrath Glen McGrath was bowling to Eddo Brandes, the portly Zimbabwean fast bowler and No.11 bat. First he was nicked over slip for 4 and next was slashed through cover for 4. McGrath glared at him and said, "Why are you so fat", to which the quick and very Zimbabwean style reply came "Because every time I sleep with your wife she gives me a biscuit". (true story...allegedly) |
| Balls
Steve Linter goes to the doctor "I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside" he says "howsat" says the doc "oh don't you start" he says. (NOT a true story...allegedly) |
| Shock New
Coach The English cricket board have announced their sadness towards the recent death of Paula Yates, as in a shock move they were to appoint her as new team coach. Former coach David Lloyd said: "Her experience of f**king Australians and then bringing home the ashes would have been invaluable". |
Commentary Howlers :
Jonathan Agnew
He didn't quite manage to get his leg over. - after Ian Botham had spun around off balance and tried to step over the wicket unsuccessfully.
Brian Johnson
There is Neil Harvey, with his legs wide open, waiting for a tickle.
Richie Benaud
He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time.
Brian Johnson
Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.
Brian Johnson
The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey.
Brian Johnson
Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground.
Tony Grieg
In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one.
Tony Grieg
And Jajeda is dijappointed...Jadeja is ji..da..I'll come again, Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast.
Tony Grieg
Lloyd's talking to his slipers.
Tony Grieg
Marshall's bowling with his head.
Henry Blofeld
In the rear, the small diminutive figure of Shoaif Mohammed, who can't be much taller or shorter than he is
Richie Benaud
His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going
Fred Trueman
That was a tremendous six, the ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary
Steve Brenkley
Alderman knows that he's either going to get a wicket, or he isn't
Christopher Martin-Jenkins
and Marshall throws his head to his hands
Henry Blofeld
It's a catch he would have caught 99 times out of a 1000
Richie Benaud
Even Downton couldn't get down high enough for that
Ray Illingworth
That black cloud is coming from the direction the wind is blowing, now the wind is coming from where the black cloud is.
Gamine Goonasena
The Sri Lankan team have lost their heads, literally.
Tony Lewis
For any budding cricketers listening do you have any superstitious routines before an innings, like putting one pad on first and then the other one ?
Trevor Bailey
We owe some gratitude to Gatting and Lamb, who breathed some life into a corpse which had nearly expired
Bernard Thomas
It was a good tour to break my teeth in
Richie Benaud
That slow motion replay doesn't show how fast the ball was travelling
Fred Trueman
That's what cricket is all about. Two batsmen pitting their wits against one another
Trevor Bailey
I don't think he expected it, and that's what caught him unawares
Tony CozierThe Queen's Park Oval, exactly as the name suggests, absolutely round
Don Mosey
Well, everyone is enjoying this except Vic Marks, and I think he's enjoying himself
Fred Trueman
Anyone foolish enough to predict the outcome of this match is a fool
Jim Laker
I was surprised that Geoff Howarth won the toss
Fred Trueman
People started calling me "Fiery" because "Fiery" rhymes with Fred just like "Typhoon" rhymes with Tyson
Norman DeMesquita
So that's 57 runs needed by Hampshire in 11 overs and it doesn't need a calculator to tell you that the run rate required is 5.1818
Mike Denness
That's a remarkable catch by Yardley specially as the ball quite literally rolled along the ground towards him
Fred Trueman
Unless something happens that we can't predict, I don't think a lot will happen
Brian Johnson
And a sedentary seagull flies by
David Gower
When he was commentating on a Test match some years ago, an unfortunate batsman was hit in the groin on the fourth ball of the over. When finally pain had subsided and the batsman was able to continue, Gower resumed his commentary with the information, "Two balls remain."
Brian Johnson
He was once calling an England-NZ Test when, on the second-last ball of the over, Kiwi batsman Glenn Turner received a searing delivery right into his groin. He dropped like a felled steer and was clearly in agony for several minutes, vainly gripping his nether regions before at last wobbling to his feet and once more taking strike, tears still in his eyes. "Well, he's bravely going to carry on," Johnson quietly intoned, "but he doesn't look too good. One ball left."
Non Cricket Commentary Howlers :
Michael Buerk
Watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
Ken Brown
Commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Ulrika Jonsson
Ulrika-ka-ka-ka was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
Peter Alliss
On Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap!"
Lorraine Kelly
On GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."
Mike Hallett
Discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle
Talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Ross King
Discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Beatrice Hillyer
Discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad, she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."
James Allen
Interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder
Covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Steve Cram
Covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."
Willie Carson
Willie was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Barry Davies
World Cup 2002, Barry Davies discussing China's back four with pundit, Trevor Steven, " There's a chink in the defence"
True Stories (Allegedly)
The Australian Cricket Academy, situated in Adelaide, has helped many cricketers from all over the world realise their enormous potential however the most recent invitees have gone missing. Five young and talented Indian cricketers have not showed up to the Academy's campus since their arrival in Australia in early April. The five players were sent by the Karavali cricket clinic situated in India's southwest. Australian immigration has been notified and if found the players are likely to be sent home immediately.
Australia lost not only the third Test but also the series when they were beaten by India in Chennai. Perhaps the turning point of the match was when Steve Waugh was out, in very unusual circumstances. After playing a Harbajan Singh delivery the ball jumped up into the air. India appealed for LBW as the ball ballooned up. It fell down and Matthew Hayden, the non-striker at the time, called out to Steve Waugh warning him that the ball was about to bounce back onto his stumps. Without thinking, and in a reflex action, Waugh pushed the ball away with his hand. The Indians then appealed for handled ball and Waugh was given out. This was only the sixth such out 'handled the ball' dismissal in Test cricket history . Of course many will remember the infamous Graham Gooch incident in 1993. For the record the other four players who have been dismissed handled the ball are: William Endean (Eng 1956-57), Andrew Hilditch (Aus 1978-79), Mohsin Khan (Pak 1982-83), Desmond Haynes (WI 1983-84).
India's amazing win against Australia in the second Test at Calcutta proved to be a match of firsts. Harbajan Singh's hat-trick,
which included the scalps of Ricky
Ponting, Adam Gilchrist and Shane Warne, was the first ever hat-trick by an
Indian. VVS Laxman then followed on Singh's work by recording the highest ever
score by an Indian with his superb 281, passing the old mark set by Sunil
Gavaskar. As well as these milestones the match produced Shane Warne's most
expensive figures of 1/152. Incidentally his previous most expensive figures
were on Australia's last tour of India. It was only the third time a team had
won after following on and the third highest Test total scored against
Australia while it was the fourth highest third innings total of all time!
The Definition of Cricket
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in, in the field. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men are out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
More Cricket Jokes
You've seen worse ?
Russell was having a terrible time last season and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.' Silence.... First slip added 'he said I expect you've seen worse players.' 'I heard him the first time. I was just trying to think.'
Against the demon bowler
The captain, Meredydd insisted that Alan opened the innings against the other side's demon bowler. After the match, his mate Bill came up. 'How did you get on against the fast bowler?' 'No problems. I was having my teeth out tomorrow anyway.'
Where did you get that ball
The boys were playing cricket in the garden and were using a shiny new ball. 'Where did you get the ball?' asked father. 'We found it.' 'Are you sure it was lost?' 'Of course it was lost. We saw them looking for it.'
You were bold
In a calmer moment, Guy and his wife were
sitting at home. Guy was as usual reading some bowling averages. "Do you
remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?" said she romantically.
"You were bold." "No I wasn't," muttered Guy,"I was LBW!" Bottle of beer
Stuart was having a bad time. He played and missed at every ball and was becoming more hot and flustered every minute. As the bowler was walking back; Stuart turned to the wicket-keeper. 'Phew,' he said 'what couldn't I do with a bottle of beer.' The wicket-keeper thought for a moment. 'Hit it with the bat perhaps?'
English cricket?...
There's a man in Croydon who claims to have invented a game that in certain respects is a bit like cricket. What he doesn't know is that the England team has been playing it for years.
Swallowed his pen
The secretary was frantically phoning the doctor. 'Can you come quickly; doctor? the scorer has just swallowed his pen.' 'I'll be right over. What are you doing in the mean time? ' 'We're using a pencil.'
Hecklers
The fieldsman on the boundary had to race back- wards to try to take a difficult catch. The sun was in his eyes as the ball fell and he unfortunately dropped it. 'I could have caught that in my mouth,' shouted an onlooker. 'If mine was as big as yours, I would too,' retorted the fieldsman.
Colin was looking particularly down, when Meredydd said to him "You're looking glum Col". 'Yes. My doctor says I can't play cricket.' 'Really? I
I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!'
That was the best innings I ever played,' said Knotty. 'Well!' said Meredydd, 'you mustn't let that discourage you.'
A couple of our guys were discussing the importance of fitness in the game of cricket. Said the fat one (you know who you are!), 'When I'm at the crease, my body is highly tuned and as taut as a guitar string. The bowler comes up, bowls and my brain snaps out a command to my body to get quickly behind the line, raise the bat and execute a perfect stroke.' 'Then what happens?' 'My body says: 'Who.... me? '
Matt & Paul were talking "You have to be fit to play cricket, don't you?' said Paul 'You certainly do said Matt. "I get up at five, run for two miles, come back and do four hours of exercises" 'How long have you been doing it?' 'I start tomorrow.
What do you call a DACD cricketer with 100 runs against his name ?
The Bowler !!
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